Stephen Conor 03/31/2010

Baby Angel

Don’t let them say I wasnโ€™t born,
that something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
Ive loved you from the start,
Although my body you cant hold,
It doesnโ€™t mean Iโ€™m gone
This world was not worthy of me,
God chose that I move on
I know the pain that drowns your soul,
what you are forced to face,
you have my word I’ll fill my arms,
someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes
But that wont soften your worst blow,
or make your hearts not ache
I’m watching over all you do,
another child you will bear
Believe me when I say to you,
that I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you
When you will hold my hand,
stoke my face and kiss my lips
and then you will understand.
Although I have never breathed your air,
or gazed into your eyes,
that doesn’t mean I ‘never was’
Because an angel never dies….

Ask My Mom How She Is

My Mom, she tells a lot of lies,
She never did before.
But from now until she dies,
She’ll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my Mom how she is
And because she can’t explain,
She will tell a little lie
Because she can’t describe the pain.

Ask my Mom how she is,
She’ll say “I’m alright.”
If that’s the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?

Ask my Mom how she is,
She seems to cope so well.
She didn’t have a choice you see,
Nor the strength to yell.

Ask my Mom how she is,
“I’m fine, I’m well, I’m coping.”
For God’s sake Mom, just tell the truth,
Just say your heart is broken.

She’ll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how she is,
She’ll lie and say she’s fine.

I am Here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don’t listen,
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again,
We’ll smile and I’ll be bold.
I’ll say, “You’re lucky to get in here, Mom,
With all the lies you told!”


Facts About Amandagrace

I thought it might be a good idea to write a blog post that is just about me and a few tid bits about the family =) Seeing as I have plenty of followers, maybe it would be nice if you all got to know me a little. So, Here it goes!

  • At the age of 6 I KNEW that I would be a wife and a mother. The one and only thing I wanted to do with my life…and I did it!
  • I have three children and I hope to have at least two more ๐Ÿ˜‰
  • My son was misdiagnosed twice at age three before finally being diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome at age five. However, we do not let Autism define him…he defines himself! ๐Ÿ™‚
  • I played with Barbies until I was 15…I got married at 17.
  • I was baptized twice.
  • Anatomy and Physiology was my ALL TIME FAVORITE class in school!
  • My favorite food is a strict three way tie between jalapenos, nachos with cheese, and grilled chicken wings! (A side note on the wings…the absolute best ones that I ever had was when I was growing up, I went to the beach with my grandparents one weekend and my PaPa accidentally dropped the wings in the sand, washed them off in beach water, and then grilled them. I have NEVER had better wings than on that day!)
  • I spent a great deal of time with my favorite grandparents, MiMi & PaPa, when I was growing up. I made some memories with them that I will never ever forget.
  • My parents divorced when I was three. When I was four I gained an amazing step dad who has raised me to be a very strong and smart woman who does not take a lot of mess from people. I spent a lot of my childhood in the deer woods and tree stands with him. He is and will always be a very important person in my life.
  • I have one half sister, one half brother, and a step sister.
  • My favorite color is green.
  • I have very long skinny feet. ๐Ÿ˜€
  • I learned to drive a stick shift Chevy S10 when I was 10 years old.
  • I had a dog named Bobo when I was growing up. He was my soul mate. When he died my life was devastated. Since his death I have not been able to make a connection with any other dog. Although we have two dogs as family pets, I have not been able to have the relationships with them that I had with him. I still grieve his death like it was yesterday. He died in December of 2002.
  • I have a crazy thing about my feet…if you touch them I will kick you. Never touch my feet. ๐Ÿ˜€
  • I am crazy OCD.
  • One of my OCD habits is that I will not step on grates, sewer covers, or those rain drainage things on the corners of side walks. My husband has tried to hold me on top of one in order to get me to “get over my fears” and I screamed and cried until the neighbors came out to see what was going on. Bless his heart, he was trying to help…it didn’t. (No he was not doing this to be cruel, he really was trying to help)
  • When I love, I love HARD. I love truly, madly, and deeply.

Wow! There you have it, some facts about me. Maybe I will do another one another day with some more. How about you leave me a comment with a simple fact about you, seeing as we are getting to know each other and all. ๐Ÿ˜‰

My Silent Prayer

“Prayer is so simple. It is like quietly opening a door and slipping into the very presence of God. There in the stillness we can listen to His voice or even petition. What we have to say matters not…Just to be there…In His presence…is prayer.” -The National Handbook and Bylaws of The Order of the Daughters of the King

Today, I had a mini meltdown. The weather has been unpleasant and with the kids being kept in the house for days they were full of energy all day. At church this morning, there was no nursery so the one year old had to sit in the pew with the family, and lets face it, she was not so happy about this and has yet to learn how to behave in church. My six and four year olds could not behave, listen, or follow the directions either (you would have thought that they were the one year olds). My dear daughter, Rileigh, does not know how to whisper and repeatedly yelled her questions and comments out at me in the quiet solitude of the sanctuary. The ride home from church was no better. Both of the older kids were bickering and the baby was screaming because she was hungry and ready for her nap. My husband was snippy because his patience were running thin. I was barely holding myself together at this point. After lunch, I wanted to pick up the house and no one was listening to what I had to say as I was trying to delegate tasks. To make matters worse, as I was headed to dump out the dirt from the vacuum cleaner into the garbage it fell out of my hands and crashed to my kitchen floor spilling dirt and grime everywhere. I had had it! That was the last straw. I stepped over the mess and walked out the front door and right into the presence of God.

I’m sure most can relate to moments such as these. And this was the shortened version. Nevermind the hassle it was trying to get the kids ready this morning, being late for church, and my dear husband almost crashing into a truck he did not see as he made a right hand turn in our neighborhood which nearly gave me heart failure. I was on pins, needles, and the throbbing head ache was the only thing telling me that my head was still together sitting upon my shoulders. But when i made the decision to go to God all those things didn’t matter anymore.

Once outside, I sat down on my porch, buried my face in my hands, and prayed. At first I was tense and angry. I was angry at myself for being angry. I was agitated with my entire family. Why couldn’t they just listen? Why couldn’t my kids just behave? Then the peace came. God quieted my spirit. He sent his ever loving peace to me. He held me and I cried. I had no words any longer, I merely layed my head on my Fathers chest and wept.

I don’t know what it is about God that makes Him so amazing, but in moments like these, when I simply surrender to Him completely, I know that He is the Almighty God. He is my sole comforter in times of distress. I felt like I was falling apart, yet He picked up the pieces and put me back together. And when I walked back inside, I was at peace and felt strengthened by His love.

I don’t always know how or why God does what He does, but one thing that I do know is He is always there. He never leaves my side.

There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

Third Day


My Cup Runneth Over

My heart is heavy tonight. I have spent much of the day in prayer for so many things. I am thankful for so much, but in the same token I am also saddened by much. A very dear friend is going through a difficult time right now. My heart aches for her and her family. If only I could snap my fingers and make it all disappear. Stress can be such an ugly thing.

When I see my family or friends wading through troubling waters it reminds me of how truly human we are. We think we are so strong, that we can handle anything, but in reality we are meager humans who cannot handle anything alone. Alone is the key word here. Without God on our side we cannot deal with the stress in our life. The devil works so hard to break us. Picture your faith in a porcelain cup. Then imagine a crack in it (stress, sadness, trials, tribulations, etc.). The Evil One is great at wiggling his way into that crack and penetrating our faith, that is if we allow it. No matter how strong you think your faith is, in reality it is quite fragile. The smallest weakness can allow our faith to slip and the devil a space to work through and insert the tiniest bit of doubt.

God, in His infinite power,ย  can mend that crack and strike the devil out in an instant. Just as quick as he slithered into our porcelain cup he will be thrown out of it.

To think of God’s amazing power is so humbling. To simply sit and imagine the hands that formed the universe, the galaxies with the many stars, the Earth with its many beautiful wonders, and even the smallest most intricate workings of the life all around us is truly amazing (for lack of a better word). And to think that the Person who made all of these things formed our inner most being. While we were yet to make our appearance into our mother’s womb he knew who we would be, what we would look like, and how our lives would unfold before Him.

How can we not want to put our trust and faith, our very lives, into those more than capable hands? The very thought of others in the world who don’t even know my Lord saddens me to the very core. To think of others walking this very Earth carrying their heavy burdens alone, to not know the very peace and joy of my God absolutely breaks my heart. I cannot imagine a life without Him. He is my sole Comforter. In times of darkness and trouble He is my refuge. In times of weakness He is my strength. I can’t tell you how many times friends have asked me “How do you do what you do day in and day out?” My answer is simply…God. Without Him, I am nothing. I am weak, little, and have a life with no purpose or value without God by my side. He is my everything.

The only thing that we can do for our dear friends and family who are carrying burdens much to heavy for their shoulders is to pray for them. To pray that God’s holy presence will fill the void in their very souls. That His comfort may be ever present in these most difficult times. And most of all that they would come to know and love the very God who created them and who loves them without limits.

My ultimate prayer is that everyone I touch or meet in passing will come to know my Lord and that I would be a true witness of His, that His light and love would shine through me. I want them to see Jesus in me.

CDO…*OCD In Alphebetical Order*

I will let you all in on a little secret about myself. When my house starts showing signs of messiness I begin to get frazzled. Talk to my husband and I’m sure he will back me up on this. He says I turn monstrous when things start looking out of the norm. I like everything to be in their homes, organized, and even smelling nicely. There is just something about a clean house that makes me happy right down to my bones. With three children running along beside me, I have to stay busy and on task with daily chores in order to keep my house the way I like it. If I drop the ball at all and start seeing things unravel I begin to feel out of control of my environment. This is only the top of an iceberg called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.ย  OCD is nothing to scoff at.

I have ticks like not walking on grates in the road or the corner of the road on the sidewalk that collects rain water because they cause me extreme discomfort. The fact that I count light poles, trees, and lines in sidewalks. I will never ever grab the first item off of a shelf or rack in a store, it has to be the third item back. I absolutely HATE touching shoe strings it literally makes me wince from the pain I get in my teeth when I do (hence my children only having velcro or buckle shoes). I truly dislike riding in elevators, using public bathrooms, touching buggys at the store, and the list goes on. If I kept going I would end up writing a book. Sometimes my husband does get a kick out of watching me do these things and we will have a good laugh. To him its just weird and funny, but to me it can cause literal pain or extreme discomfort. Laughing it off sometimes does make it easier. I will say as a side note that when people make comments like “I wish I had OCD” it upsets me because if they really knew what they were saying they wouldn’t wish it on anyone, including themselves.

I am who God made me to be. He must have a reason for giving me this to carry around. Honestly, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have OCD. Everyone has something they have to deal with. We just figure out how to make it work and life goes on.

Fact is, my house is clean and that makes me happy! =)

Sowing My Love

“I could have been anything in the world, but I chose to be a mom.” -Amanda Harper

My job is to keep our house in order and to home educate our children. I cook meals, I do the laundry, I make the beds, I do lessons with the children, and I clean the bathrooms, just to name a few. Sometimes, I do have those days where I really don’t feel the tug to do what I need to or maybe I’m going through my duties like a robot set on autopilot. I had this issue just a few days ago. So, I looked at it another way. I was reading my devotional and it was talking about sowing our love into the world. That got me thinking. With every meal that I cook, with every piece of clothing I put away, and with every stroke of my broom I am inscribing my heart into theirs. When my children take a bath, they know that mommy keeps the tub clean just for them. When my husband comes home and sees that I’ve worked hard in my duties throughout the house, he knows that I enjoy watching the satisfaction play across his face. Something I learned a while ago from a friend is when you are doing the dreaded task of laundry, pray for the person who belongs to the item you are folding. It gives you many opportunities to pray for everyone in the household several times that day. Ever since starting this it has made doing laundry so much easier. When I am working on my husbands PT’s or his ACU uniform he is deeply in my thoughts and I pray for everything I can think of for him. When I am folding each of my children’s set of clothing I am praying for many things such as their future spouse, their faith to be strong, that they will be kept safe from the evil one, and that they will grow in love toward one another. I take my job very seriously just like any person would their own career. Most days I do not look at my tasks ahead with utter despair, I look at them as a chance to inscribe my love for my family onto everything that I do for them. Not only do I serve my family, but I serve God in doing so.

1 Corinthians 10:31 “Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

Know Peace

The family’s memory verse this week is Job 1:22 “In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong.” It goes hand in hand with the children’s history/bible lesson last week when we read the account of Job and what he went through. When the kids and I were doing lessons today I continued pondering on it a little longer. The kids were working on the dreaded task of math, but moms mind was else where.

In the account of Job Satan tested God by saying the only reason that Job was a loyal servant to him was because of everything God had blessed him with. In return God gave Satan a level playing field by saying that he could do what he wanted as long as he didn’t harm Job’s person. When we were reading this last week it brought to mind our own trials and tribulations as humans today. We all go through them at some time or another and sometimes in the midst of the storm we are thinking “why?” and forget the story of Job and the lesson it has for us.

I believe that God lets things happen. Sometimes we do not know the reason He lets us go through certain trials in our lives or at least not right at that moment. More often than not, several days, weeks, months, or even years later we look back and say “OH so that’s what God was doing. Hmmm.” Plus, I think a lot of times our free will is what leads to our own demise. Some choice we made further up the road leads to the disaster at hand. At the time it seemed like a good decision to make or we wouldn’t have chosen that path.

The important part is that in ALL that Job went through, including all ten of his children dying, he did not once curse God. Instead, he became an even more loyal and loving servant to Him. What an amazing example for us to follow! When we became a follower of God’s he did not promise that it would be an easy task, only that it would be worth it in the end. God allows things to happen so that we can grow in our spirituality and learn to fully rely on Him, putting our trust in Him only. It is tough to relinquish the reins totally and completely saying “Ok, God, its all yours.” Its like a friend of mine from church used to say “Put your problem in a grocery bag, hang it on the foot of the cross, and walk away. But remember to LEAVE it there, do not go back for it. It belongs to Jesus now.” Seems more easily said than done. I know because I’m constantly going back for that darned grocery bag! It is a human thing to want to be in control of our own lives, after all we were given free will, weren’t we? So, I challenge you with this, today, instead of looking at the storm you are going through and saying “why, God, why me” bow your head and say “God, I cannot do this anymore. You are the sovereign ruler of all things and you know better than I. I leave this in your care.”ย  No God. No peace. Know God. Know peace.