My son is smart, beautiful, lovable, active, caring, and just plain wonderful, however, he fights a battle within himself every single day. A few months ago we finally got a definate diagnosis for all the problems Haidyn has been having. And it took us 2 years to finally have something on paper. To be honest I have not sat down to truly accept it or talk about it. My mom sent me this book and its a great read (though controversial). Since I started reading it I ralized that I havent truly dealt with my feelings about his diagnosis. Today I carry such guilt around. I still battle with the fact that I “know” I didnt cause his condition I still feel like I did. I still feel like Im to blame. If you arent directly affected by someone on the Autism Spectrum then you cant possibly understand how hard it is and how painful it is. I lose my patience sometimes, I lose control of my emotions sometimes, but ultimately it is a hard day in our shoes. And if I feel as bad as I do, how bad does Haidyn feel? Heres an example…yesterday, I absolutely was at the end of my rope with Haidyns behavior, his yelling in my face, and his hitting. So I lost it. I yelled at him and I shouldnt have. I handled it all wrong. Now, mind you, I am STILL trying to learn how to cope and handle his outbreaks just as he is and Im bound to make mistakes, but when it was all said and done I felt horrible. I had put him in his room and slammed the door. As I sat on my bed feeling like the worst mom ever he walks in ever so slowly to me and says “mommy Im sorry for yelling at you.” Wanna talk about feeling like you were hit by a semi truck? My heart hit the floor. He hugged me and I hugged him back asking for him to forgive me too for yelling. I could see the absolute pain in his eyes from what had happened. When hes in the moment he just doesnt know how to get out. All he knows to do is be angry, scream, and hit. He doesnt understand.
I want to fix it. I want to wave a magic wand and make everything better. But I cant. Dealing with his behaviors are frustrating to no end and painful. As a mother, I am suppose to fix EVERYTHING, Im suppose to be able to kiss all boo boos. And this boo boo is just too big for me. One day after dealing with one of the biggest outbursts he has ever had, we both were sitting in the middle of the floor, Haidyn still in my bear hug, and crying our eyes out. This, mind you, was before he was ever on meds and before we ever knew what was wrong. He looked at me and said “Please take me to the hospital. I want a shot. I wanna be better.” My, then 4, year old was saying this to me. What do you say to that? “Im sorry honey but we cant. Theres nothing that will make you better.”? My heart breaks for him. It breaks every day that I watch him struggle. I remember my baby that I held and was so perfect, so normal, just like all the other babies. What in the world happened? Well, I know what happened, but thats for another post because that will cause some serious outburst in people that feel differently than me. But I will say this…EDUCATE YOURSELF! Do not just do what everyone else is doing. When it comes to your children and their health, question everything and everyone. Do not just do what a doctor says because he has “MD” after his name. Go home, research, and make a decision that is right for YOUR child. I wish I had done that sooner. I wish I had put my foot down and said NO! I righted my wrong with Rileigh and dang sure will with Emmakate, but what about Haidyn? Now I have to just hope for the best and do all that I can for him. Therapy, counseling, meds, doctors, heartbreak, learning how to cope, teaching Haidyn that its not his fault he’s different, trying to help him understand why its hard for him to keep friends, trying to help him understand why that man in line behind us at walmart is staring and mumbing ugly things about him, telling him every day that its ok and we will get through this.
I probably dont make too much sense in all this. I just had some feelings and wanted to get them out. I know that if anything my family will read this and have something to say. Its hard to really understand unless you live a day with us. My mother in law is finally getting to see what no one else really does. Its a hard life when someone you love is diagnosed with a form of Autism. It hurts, its frustrating, it makes you so mad you see red, but then you look at him and you see that he is simply Haidyn…he is who God apparently wanted him to be. He is bright and loving. He loves monster trucks, Lightening Mcqueen, and transformers. He wants to be like his daddy when he grows up. He loves being outside. He loves his family. He is Haidyn. And I love him deeply. I will go to the end of the world and back for him. I will never give up and I will NEVER accept defeat against this ugly battle.
Please, if you get anything from this…educate before you vaccinate. Vaccines are not “one size fits all”.
Thursday, June 30, 2011 at 3:49pm